andyblanks.com

So, I read a pretty interesting article the other day, linked here.

The skinny:

A study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health has shown evidence of a corollary relationship between uber-strict parenting and sexual promiscuity in teenagers. The study finds that parents who foster a crazy-rigid environment (i.e., lots of rules, harsh “enforcement” of rules) seem to have teens who are more sexually active at a younger age.

A few key quotes:

“Regular family activities — “things like eating dinner together as a family or engaging in fun activities or religious activities together” — seemed to make sexual activity less likely.”

“Children also seemed to be less sexually active if their parents did not engage in “negative and psychologically controlling behaviors.””

Also this zinger:

“According to the researchers, more than two of every three American teens has sexual intercourse before age 19.” (70% of all American teens have had sex? Seems high . . . Let’s hope.)

This study got my attention, and not just because I have three daughters or because I can tend to land on the side of the disciplinarian brand of parenting. I mean, it got my attention for those reasons. But it got my attention for another reason, mainly, because I see a parallel between the findings of this study and in how we tend to teach teenagers about the nature of their relationship with God.

I believe too often we communicate to teenagers that their relationship with God is more about rules and punishment than about transformation. We teach Christianity as the great “list of do’s and don’ts” instead of teaching what it means to “walk in the newness of life” in Christ. We communicate to students that being a Christian is less about being a new creation in Christ, and more about “doing X” and “not doing X.”

When we do this, we imply that God will somehow be pleased with us, or love us more if we do more right things than wrong things (as opposed to seeing us through the “lens” of the person and work of Christ). We introduce feelings of shame and guilt. And when we do this, to borrow a phrase from the previously mentioned study, we engage in the same sort of “negative and psychologically controlling behaviors” with a religious slant.

A line from the article states, “although it is difficult to confirm that controlling mothers and fathers cause kids to have more sex, the findings suggest it is wise to give children freedom.” As a parent, I read this and it makes me a little nervous. My default is to be leery of freedom. What if my gals make a mistake? What if they mess up? And so because I want what’s best for them, I tighten my grip. I bear down. I impose (possibly) excessive rules to keep them on the straight and narrow. This can be an extremely misguided way to approach parenting.

The same attitudes influence the way we do youth ministry. We are scared to teach our teens freedom in Christ. We are scared to allow them the opportunity to own their faith. We are scared because we fear they will mess up. The problem with this line of thinking is that often it is in the “messing up” that we truly experience the nature of Christ and His gift of grace, mercy, unconditional love, forgiveness, and redemption.

I think teaching teenagers in this manner takes a kind of boldness, a kind of spiritual confidence that most of us lack. While we have to be responsible in what we teach young people, we also have to allow them to make mistakes, to work through concepts, to be bent and shaped by God . . . which can sometimes be painful. It is a lot harder than simply designing programs and processes. It involves a deeper level of involvement and intentionality. But the outcome is worth it.

The goal of our youth and college ministries should be to produce young people who are grounded in the truth of God’s Word, and are a reflection of this truth having taken hold in their everyday lives. I think this can only happen if we shepherd our students through the spiritual growing pains, trusting in the perfect power of the Holy Spirit.