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One of my favorite writers has a gimmick I love. When he covers any big sports or pop-culture event he has a running diary. I wanted to somehow capture the experience of going to Atlanta to sit in 6 hours of lectures on the Hebrew language for grad school. I thought the diary bit might be a good way to do it.

So, in homage to Bill Simmons, I present to you a running diary of my Saturday Hebrew language class.

4:00 Alarm on my iPhone goes off.

4:03 I fall asleep for a minute standing in the shower.

4:06 I fall asleep again standing in the shower.

4:15 Trying to shave and brush teeth proves to be challenging. My motorskills and I are having rough time getting on the same page.

4:35 Start coffee. Question God’s call on my life and why it involves graduate classes.

4:45 Kiss my wife goodbye. Without opening her eyes she tells me to be safe. Since neither criminals nor cops are out at this hour, I feel like I’m probably on my own, relatively speaking. She also says, “be sure you have tire in your air” before rolling back over. Sure thing, hon . . .

5:10 Pass dude pulled over on the Interstate by three police cars. This is one of two things: 1) a terrible way to start a day, or 2) a terrible way to end a night.

5:20 “Everybody Hurts” by REM comes on the radio. At no time in my life have I agreed more wholeheartedly with two words. I am indeed so tired I am hurting right now. Oh, Michael Stipe, you peer into my soul. You see the human condition and call it what it is . . .

5:30 Stop at a gas station in Leeds on I-20 to get breakfast (this gas station has biscuits that are delish) and (more) coffee. Several things make this stop eventful.

First, there were maybe 25 people in this gas station who were very awake, very cheery, and very, very well dressed. They all seemed to know one another. This literally stopped me in my tracks, as in, I stood there staring at all of them. Did I mention it was 5:30? And that I was in Leeds, AL? Maybe more than any moment in my life, I wanted to know one thing: “why?”

Second, the guy in front of me in line (who was not well dressed nor particularly cheery) purchased a pepperoni pizza, a half case of Bud Light Lime, a pack of Marlboro’s, and a Red Bull. Swear. Did I mention it was 5:30?

Third, when I purchased my sausage biscuit, the man behind the counter (who looked stunningly similar to Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber except older, balding, and remarkably cross-eyed) asked me if I wanted jelly. I said, “no thanks.” He said, “Did you know Mexicans take mayonnaise on their biscuits?” No, sir. I did not. But thank you for that information . . .

5:45 Talk radio in the morning is awesome. You get the last hours of the weird overnight shows that start after midnight. Heard a BBC broadcast about the history of gold, including a very British, very dramatic reading of King Midas’ story. This was much stranger in person . . .

5:55 Got tired of the show about gold. Changed stations. Heard this: “Our next guest is a linguist and expert on ancient cultures. He is also one of the leading experts on alien lifeforms. This morning we will be discussing whether there is room or not in the Judeo-Christian tradition for extra terrestrials, and if there is, is God the God of men only or of aliens as well.”

5:56 Turned on iPod.

6:10 The sun is up. The coffee has kicked in. I guess there is no turning back at this point.

6:20 The area spanning from one mile proceeding, to one mile past the Munford/Clearwater exit on 1-20 smells like odorous flatulence. Thought you should know.

6:24 It occurs to me that I have made the best driving playlist ever. It is nearly perfect. Don’t believe me? Give it a listen here.

6:40 Just passed a small truck towing a rather large helicopter. Just sayin’.

7:30 Chris Knight singing It Ain’t Easy Being Me:

“There outta be a town somewhere named for how I feel./

I could be tha mayor down there, sayin’ ‘Welcome to Sorry-ville.”

Amen, brother. Amen. Feeling kind of sorry myself at the moment. Need to stop for more coffee.

7:55 Barely make it to class.

8:00 Settle in for the next three hours before lunch. To set the stage: I am in an interior classroom of a church in an Atlanta suburb. No windows. Apparently this church conserves money by not turning on the air-conditioning. In front of me are two large flat screen TVs. On the left is a feed from the professor conducting class from the main Seminary campus. On the right screen we see his power point lecture. The speakers sound like they have been ripped out of my daughter’s Barbie car. They make the teacher sound like he is a Decepticon. If you closed your eyes you would swear you were learning an ancient language from Megatron.

9-10:55 Nothing to report. Except that I have chewed my hand off from hunger.

11:00 Lunch, dear lunch.

11:05 Have never been so glad to see Moe’s

11:10 I have just watched the fastest Moe’s employee to have ever graced a Homewrecker. He is so fast that people are telling their children to remember this day, the day they witnessed a man in perfect union with his calling. He is a black-bean weilding, Billy Barou building, Hispanic Ninja.

11:15 Sit down next to what appears to be a dad, his teenaged daughter, his young son, and dad’s buddy. Dad and his buddy are total dudes. Teenaged daughter texts on her phone the entire meal. I mean, she doesn’t even so much as speak to her pops. I take pity on the dad and lament the current state of adolescence.

11:25 Dad’s buddy gets up. “You want a refill,” buddy asks. “Yeah, bro,” Dad says loudly. “I’ll take a Dr. Pecker.” Dad chuckles, extremely pleased with his mastery of the comedic genre. I instantly take pity on the girl and lament the current state of parenthood.

11:55 Contemplate driving back to Birmingham.

11:57 Resign myself to walking back into class.

12:00 Class begins

1:00 Trying hard. Room so warm. Stomach so full.

1:41 Did you know there are two ways to spell David in Hebrew? Me neither.

2:00 Dial in. Don’t give up. Afterall, I’m paying for this class.

2:30 Wha? I don’t underst . . . What are you saying?

2:55 Ggggggghhhhhhhhhrrrggggg . . .

3:05 “Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I am free at last.” Class ends. I am instantly on the road. Next stop, the Ham.

4:00 Managed to navigate Atlanta traffic OK.

4:05 Driving in the hardest rainstorm I have ever seen or heard of. This sucker is biblical. I just saw pairs of woodland creatures searching for the Ark.

4:30 Not joking . . . Watched a car hydroplane and slide harmlessly off on the shoulder. Things are getting serious.

5:00 Still raining. Hard

6:00 Raining.

6:30 Finally make it home. Rained the entire way. Nothing really eventful happened, unless you count the two young children swimming in their underwear in the newly formed mini-lake on the outside lawn of the Talladega Raceway. Let’s be honest: it’s Talladega. Probably happens all the time.

So, that was my day. I’m headed back in two weeks. Anyone hankering to give it a shot, you’re more than welcome to ride along. Or, for monetary compensation, I will pay you to go for me.